The day after you get what you wanted

You finally arrived at your goal. And yet you’re unsettled for some reason. To understand why, and feel better fast, try the “Promise Check.” Read on for more.

In 2008, Michael Phelps won eight gold medals in Beijing.

Then he went home and struggled with depression, just as he had after the 2004 Olympics.

His depression was a serious mental health condition, not simple disappointment. But his story points to something many of us feel on a smaller scale:

Sometimes we get exactly what we wanted and don’t feel the way we expected.

Also called the “arrival fallacy” (coined by psychologist Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar), this is the reason why we surprisingly suffer after even our best moments.

We hold a false belief that accomplishing a goal will bring longstanding happiness, when in fact we typically experience what I think of as the “achievement hangover.”

Either we return to baseline mood or we go lower into disappointment, ironically as if we lost the game instead of actually winning just moments before.

So, the crossing of a threshold from aspirant to winner is immediately met with a new threshold: that of trying to regain the prior motivation, and this time having to discern whether it’s even worth pursuing the next elusive prize.

Think of the many stories of people at the top of their game, deciding to announce their retirement after seemingly achieving everything, only to feel a need to return to the action after (and in some cases never finding the same highs they needed):

Tom Brady (retired 2022, returned 40 days later); Jay-Z (retired 2003, returned 2006); Michael Jordan (retired in 1993 to play baseball, returned to basketball 1995; retired in 1998, returned in 2001); Disney CEO Bob Iger (retired 2021, returned 2022, retired again in 2026).

And my favorite example: actor Daniel Day-Lewis, who retired in 1997 from making widely acclaimed movies to work as an apprentice shoemaker. He returned to acting in 2002, retired again in 2017, and then return last year to act in his son’s movie.

Life isn’t linear and it’s our choice how to create a meaningful one. Everyone has the right to stop a pursuit, try something else, go back to the old interest, and so on.

But I’m fascinated by this very common thought process that hits many of us:

When we’re young we think, “can I really do that?”

Then we do the thing, finally reaching a well-deserved break, only to be haunted by the question: “but who am I if I don’t have something next (and bigger) to do?”

This week’s method: The promise check
For the achievement hangover: when you got what you wanted and it doesn’t feel the way you expected.

With my clients I see this play out often. They believe:

• When I become CEO, I’ll finally feel confident.

• When I sell my company, I’ll feel free.

Then the moment arrives. But suddenly the new CEO is even less confident given the unexpected exposure. The founder starts to miss the company she couldn’t wait to sell.

And even the changes we didn’t choose can surprise us about what we expected to feel: for instance, someone loses a job and feels a sense of relief alongside the fear of the unknown.

Most of us prepare for that threshold crossing.

What we don’t get ready for is the person we will be on the other side. But using the Promise Check can help.

The promise check: 3 steps

This exercise is called the Promise Check because you start by checking the promise you’ve emotionally attached to the change.

Use it before a big change, or after one if things feel strange.

1. Find the promise you’ve attached to the change.

Finish this sentence: “When this happens, I’ll finally feel ______.”

Respected? Secure? Free? At peace?

Let’s say an executive gets promoted to the C-suite. He will have more authority, but he’s not guaranteed to have the confidence he hopes to have, leading at that level.

Or a company manager decides he finally wants to quit his office job to work from home and start a consulting business so he can have autonomy over his time and the freedom to be creative with his talent.

Moving to a virtual position will give him more flexibility with home needs and less commuting, but it can’t guarantee he’ll magically have more peace of mind in that new job or setting.

Knowing what you hope to feel shows you what the change can and can’t deliver.

2. Separate the change from the hope.

Draw two columns.

• Left: what will actually change

• Right: what you hope will feel different

Look at the right column and ask: which of these feelings need something more than the change itself?

For the executive who has more authority, the desire to feel confident requires a willingness to do things they’d usually avoid so they can become comfortable with discomfort; not just rest on the validation of their executive title.

For the person who chose to work from home and wants more peace of mind, they may need to set boundaries with family members and even structures in the house to ensure home and work life don’t bleed into each other and make everyone stressed.

3. Give your next self a place to start.

Then ask yourself: What will I miss? What parts of me do I want to carry forward? What might give my days meaning?

The executive may miss being able to fly under the radar at times without as much scrutiny.

But they may want to carry forward their longstanding curiosity and recognize that they have more power now to influence their big ideas than when they were more junior.

And spending time with mentors as well as with the people they’re leading may remind them they’re not alone in this, and their confidence may rise as a result.

The work-from-home consultant may miss the benefit of having an office that had boundaries from home life, despite loving the fact that they don’t have to go in everyday.

So, perhaps they still carry forward that structure when working from home and reminding themselves of why they’re lucky to be able to regain time in their day with no commute.

And they may find that still making time to meet old colleagues and arranging in-person lunches will give them meaning while getting to enjoy the virtual life too.

Your one small step today

That third step can be small and still have a big impact. Here are some examples of small steps toward your next self:

• Retiring? Build friendships that have nothing to do with your career.

• Taking a bigger job? Protect one part of your life where you’re not in charge.

• Kids leaving home? Try something you’ve been curious about.

• Didn’t choose this change? You don’t have to find a silver lining. Start by rebuilding some stability, or reach out to someone who can help.

Remember: You don’t need your next identity figured out. You just need to give it room to grow.

Why this matters

Michael Phelps eventually sought treatment and began speaking publicly about his mental health.

He dedicated so much of his life around one destination that one would think the hardship on the way to his victories would be more than any struggle he’d face as a champion. Yet that is so far from the case.

The finish line we often envision is not that at all; it can be the starting block for another threshold and often a painful one.

Don’t only prepare for the moment you’ve been working toward. Prepare to meet yourself on the other side.

You can love your new job and miss your old one; you don’t have to white-knuckle through the achievement hangover by immediately pursuing the next proof of winning.

Or you can celebrate becoming a parent, for example, and still grieve the freedom you lost; you don’t have to cope with the aftermath of a threshold by completely shunning the old identity that will take time to shed.

By using the 3-step promise check, you can integrate who you are on the other side, in advance. This prepares you for the threshold crossing and for a higher chance at keeping life easy and enjoyable despite the inevitable highs and lows that come with goal pursuit and performance.

Let me know how it works it out for you. I read every reply.

All my best,

Nihar

P.S. Are you, or someone you know, moving into a bigger role?

I’ve written a free guide about the five changes executives scaling up often don’t anticipate.

Free download: What Changes When The Role Gets Bigger

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Nihar Chhaya coaches senior leaders on navigating the transitions that come with business, leadership and personal success.