Demystifying overwhelm

Overwhelm brings a pile of feelings at once. Each one has something to tell you.

The other day I found myself staring into space, not thinking of anything in particular. And yet, in a weird way, I was thinking of everything.

In moments like this, I can’t explain exactly why I get frozen. Except to say that life feels heavy. And I wish I could turn my brain off.

A leader I worked with had once mentioned a similar episode: he was standing in his kitchen, suddenly stood still and forgot what he came there to get. He then kept racking his brain for that, until someone called out to him and then he just left.

In these instances, nothing felt wrong or on fire. But there was a weight to it all that, upon moving again, felt at best an annoyance; at worst, insurmountable.

It seems like whenever people ask us how we are doing, we have become so accustomed to the same response: “I’m so busy….things are hectic….just trying to keep up because things are so busy….” It doesn’t help that with the advent of smartphones, you’re busy scrolling on them – even after you get a break from what was really keeping you busy.

But sometimes it’s not being busy with work nor being busy with our phones that floods our minds and freezes our bodies. The day I was staring into space was a pleasant Saturday morning with no devices around; I wasn’t working nor was I lacking sleep, having just woken up a few hours prior.

I guess what I was experiencing was a classic case of “overwhelm.”

Brene Brown once wrote about overwhelm (quoting meditation expert Jon Kabat-Zinn) as “the all-too-common feeling that ‘our lives are somehow unfolding faster than the human nervous system and psyche are able to manage well.’” She added that it was when “our bodies and minds are experiencing that quicksand feeling.”

When I came across this definition, it captured what I and my former client were experiencing. We often think of overwhelm as a scheduling problem or a time management issue that can be resolved with better systems and habits. You know, start creating a morning routine and make better decisions with your time or, as the productivity and motivation gurus advise: if it’s not a “hell yeah” you feel, just say no to the ask.

And sure all of those things may help.

But we need to talk about the real emotional burdens that today’s way of life places on our minds and bodies. In fact, we should think twice before running to the next app or habit to feel better, precisely because those steps may actually be adding to the overwhelm already in place.

The emotions of overwhelm

Once you get curious about your overwhelm moments, and you really try to notice what you’re feeling, you might find that it is made up of many feelings all at once.

Sadness: as in, “I’m failing myself and the people around me.” For me, this starts right after I notice that my attention keeps drifting from my wife and daughter at dinner and thinking about the emails I have to get to on my phone.

Anger: “Why is this still a problem and when will I get others (and my brain) to stop bugging me about it?” Perhaps you’ve read all the books, downloaded all the apps and executed on some new ideas, and yet the same pattern keeps showing up.

Annoyance: “How does everyone else have this figured out?” Someone posts about their calm morning or their amazing trip or their perfect family and you wonder, where do they all get the time and motivation to do all that?

Happiness: “This is nice, I finally am free and can relax. Oh wait, I know I’m forgetting something….” Your mind only lets you enjoy the victory for a minute and then starts terrorizing you again about what might be worth worrying about.

Confusion: “Where do I even start and why even bother?” You open the laptop, you start the list, you finally want to tackle one thing, and then suddenly the other things on the list seem more important, causing you to waste time analyzing the list rather than just getting after it.

I’m sure there are more to add here. Such is the insidiousness of overwhelm: even defining what overwhelm is, doesn’t feel enough for the overwhelmed person.

First aid for when it’s all so heavy

When feelings consume us, we lose our brain’s executive functioning, letting the more primitive amygdala hijack our attention from the more evolved prefrontal cortex which is better suited to make calculated decisions under stress.

The myriad feelings you experience when overwhelmed are a bit like having 18 tabs on your internet browser open and a promotional video playing with news ads flashing all over the place at the same time as well.

When you want to reduce distraction, you can start closing out the tabs one by one. But what if one of those tabs had critical information to hold on to? In the same way, you could shut down your emotions and hope for peace. But if you do, what if some of those emotions are there to serve or protect you?

We are often taught to simplify our life and maintain focus by cutting out the things that rob our attention. But life is messy and sometimes the process of what to cut out is paralyzing. Not to mention, some advice to say “no” just isn’t practical: like refusing to meet your boss when they request it, or not picking up your child if it clashes with that meeting.

Perhaps a better answer than shutting off the activities on your calendar or suppressing the emotions you feel, is to first turn the volume down on all of the triggers. And the best step to dampen that noise is to label the emotions one by one.

In a 2007 UCLA brain imaging study, labeling an emotion reduced the amygdala’s response to negative images compared with other forms of processing.

For example, simply labeling the word “angry” when a respondent was frustrated with someone, regulated their emotional state while the person’s name didn’t.

In addition, it matters that we get specific about the emotions, not just lump them into each other. A review of the research found that training people to tell their feelings apart (e.g. not using sad, angry, annoyed interchangeably) helped increase well-being. For instance, “I feel bad” isn’t as helpful as “I feel grief, and under that, some guilt.”

Lastly, naming the emotion helps us start to make a plan for it, rather than wallow in it. Research found that unfinished goals kept intruding on people’s thoughts (often referred to as the Zeigarnik effect), so that making a specific plan for them eliminated the effect.

A deeper look at what you’re protecting

Naming a feeling quiets the noise, but it still doesn’t tell you what to do next.

Think back to the browser tabs. Each one held something important in its own right, and each emotion does too.

Isn’t it interesting that we never feel overwhelmed by things we don’t care about? Nobody lies awake at night over a stranger’s to-do list. It’s important to remember that your overwhelmed feelings are there because something matters to you, even if it’s hard to know what or why that is.

So, ask each feeling what it is protecting. Here is what that can look like for the five I named earlier:

Sadness. I feel sad when my attention keeps drifting to my phone while my family wants me to listen. That sadness is protecting my wish to be present with them.

Anger. If you’re angry that a pattern won’t change, the anger comes from caring about change. It may be protecting your sense of agency, or the growth you want to see in the people around you.

Annoyance. Annoyance at someone’s better-looking life usually isn’t about envy. It shows you what you value and what you want more of. You want calm too, and you deserve a way toward it, (even if theirs is staged for the ‘gram).

Happiness. When happiness gets cut short, you may be protecting a belief that rest has to be earned first, while other people seem to take it with nothing to show for it. That belief isn’t right or wrong. But it helps explain why a good moment fades so fast, and why you can feel overwhelmed even when things are going well.

Confusion. When you can’t decide what to tackle first, it may be because you love many things equally. What you’re protecting is your freedom to choose, and perhaps a belief that fulfillment comes from being a generalist, not a specialist.

When you think about your own answers, don’t seek perfection. You are just looking for what sits underneath the feeling.

Then ask who it serves

Sometimes you can’t tell what to turn down, or what to cut to make room. When that happens, ask yourself, “Who is it for?”

This shifts the question from “Do I want to do this?” to “Who does this serve?”

That matters because the pressure we feel is rarely just about meeting other people’s expectations. Much of it comes from our own self-judgment and from beliefs we have held for a long time.

Guilt is a good example. Personally, this is a feeling I find to be a tough adversary. Even when I know I did nothing wrong and the reason is easy to understand, I can feel it when I say no to someone whose approval I value, like a former collaborator.

And I feel it when I say no to a request from someone I love, like my wife or my daughter. By the same measure, I can feel it when I disappoint myself, by not sticking to a personal commitment.

In all three cases, the overwhelm shows up when I need to say “no” but don’t want to feel guilty for saying it. Asking “Who is it for?” helps me see what I’m dealing with, and the answer usually points to one of two things:

• If I’m doing something only out of guilt, I try to notice that. Sometimes the pressure is coming from me, not from the other person, and I can let it go.

• If I’m doing something that I don’t want to but it is meaningful for someone important to me, then even if I don’t feel like it, dropping it usually isn’t the answer. What helps is finding a better way to show up for them, and in the process, for myself. That might mean setting a limit on the time it takes or doing it a different way. It doesn’t have to mean doing it perfectly.

It also helps to have words ready when you’re stuck in the throes of overwhelm. Here are some scripts I find helpful:

When the pressure is coming from you, try saying this to yourself:

“I’m not behind, and I’m not falling apart despite all these emotions flooding me at once. I’m holding a lot that I care about, and I’m allowed to sort it.”

When it involves someone close, tell them what is going on so they don’t have to guess:

“I’m not upset with you and please don’t take my silence as anything to worry about. I’m carrying a lot of things I care for, all at once. I don’t need you to fix it. But maybe just give me ten minutes to say it out loud.”

As you label your emotions, look at what each one is protecting, and who it serves, overwhelm should start to take a different shape. These steps may not magically make the heaviness vanish, but they change what you do with it, encouraging overwhelm to gently dissipate in due time.

What is your experience with overwhelm? How have you navigated it?

Until next week,

Nihar

P.S. Do you know any corporate leaders (CEO, SVP, VP) who would benefit from working with an executive coach in 2027? Send an inquiry to [email protected].

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Nihar Chhaya is a trusted coach to CEOs and senior executives at over 40 of the world’s top companies including American Airlines, Coca-Cola, Cox Enterprises, Lockheed Martin, DraftKings and others.

Named one of the 50 most influential coaches in the world by Thinkers50 and a Master Certified Coach (MCC) by the International Coach Federation, Nihar helps leaders navigate transitions, lead more strategically, strengthen their influence, and build trust across their teams.